[ The fourth morning with Molly as amnesia seems to be sticking around, Fjord slips out of bed early (tucking him in) to head downstairs and make a pot of coffee for himself. It's early enough that only Caduceus is up in the garden, a tall shape amongst the fireflies and something about being alone in the quietness of the house, that is usually so bustling, gets to him. Maybe it's the knowledge Molly won't be himself when he wakes, there won't be careless laughter or kisses or smiles; there might never be, if he can't remember who he is. Was. Everything will be quieter, dimmer, less.
Fjord finds himself hoping that maybe Lucien, who said Molly was a speck of himself, pulls through. It would be preferable to not having any part of Molly ...
Sitting down heavily at the kitchen table in the dim light, Fjord abandons his coffee to put his head in his hands and use the silent space to cry hot, angry tears, biting back any noise as his shoulders shake. His eyes burn, sobs catching behind his lips, and he takes as many deep breaths as he can to try and settle his shaky exhales. The notion of having lost Molly while he was right under Fjord's nose is somehow worse than losing him back home.
It's so much more Fjord's fault.
Not wanting to draw attention from Caduceus outside, he forces himself up and rubs his damp eyes on the arms of his hoodie, milling back around to the coffee pot to get a fresh cup with his first gone cold. Going through the motions is all he can do to stay mentally stable, wanting to scream but never able.
He has to be strong for Molly too, now. So he will. ]
[ The tiefling stirs a bit when he's sweetly tucked in, having spent most of his new, confused soul's nights wrapped up in several layers of their bedding and his coat. He's been curling up in the corner of the bed like a shy cat, only the glow of his eyes showing now and then when he wakes.
It had been a messy three days without recognizing himself, Fjord or anyone else, stuck in a void of bewilderment and overstimulation. The lack of words, the lack of everything had made him both frustrated and tired, spending a lot of time taking long naps and wandering out into the garden to sit with the flowers and just dissociate for hours.
He has naturally responded best to Fjord thanks to being the first person he saw, but the wholehearted affection and devotion is missing. The smiles and jokes are gone, but the half-orc is the one he seeks out when things are just too much. He's not afraid of the man who loved the person he cannot remember any more.
This morning, however, Molly wakes up. There's a gasp after he opens his eyes, and he holds on to the bed as the ground feels like it's swaying under him for a moment. He remembers. He remembers everything.
Shit.
Dressed in a tunic and leggings thanks to Fjord, his bare footsteps are heard coming down the stairs loudly as he looks for his boyfriend. It's morning, so the kitchen is a good bet - and when he sees the red-rimmed eyes of his lover, his heart breaks. ]
[ Drying his hands and putting the tea-towel back, he pauses when he hears footsteps coming down the stairs and assumes that Molly, or whoever he is now, has woken up and is anxious to be in company, possibly needing to sit amongst the flowers for a while. He does that now, he's ... contented by pretty things. Soft things. Anything that can't hurt him, Fjord notices. Fjord wouldn't mind going out into the garden too, they could sit together and watch the sunrise if it brings a smile to those familiar lips ... ]
Hey, sweetheart —
[ His ready cheer freezes when it connects that Molly isn't saying Empty and a jolt spasms in his chest, unseen and unnoticeable except for the way he stills completely. Hushed, he hesitantly asks, ]
Did you just say my name?
[ Suddenly, his heart is the opposite of motionless and jackhammering in the cage of his ribs, stealing his breath. ]
[ Molly throws his arms around Fjord and hugs him close. ]
I'm sorry, love... I don't know what happened!
[ It was his worst nightmare actually happening and he's an absolute mess about that, but he also saw the worry in Fjord's eyes turn to grief. Hopelessness as deep as the emptiness inside Molly.
His tail wraps around a leg and he tries to not tremble in those warm arms. ]
[ A breath punches out of Fjord as Molly — Molly — drags him down into a hug, only frozen for a split-second more before he squeezes him tight and hauls him into the embrace properly, a dry sob catching in his throat as he buries his face between a pair of horns. He spent the last couple of days resigning himself to having lost this great love and to have it all back at once is overwhelming, clutching at Molly's clothes in fists.
I know I love you. ]
Where did you go?
[ Drawing back to take Molly's face between his hands, he stares at him to search those red eyes and drink down the recognition, cupping around his neck. His voice cracks on unfair demands, too relieved to think his desperate pleas through but holding on for dear life. His own eyes burn, damp and spiked with the rise of new tears. ]
That fully shatters him and his red eyes overflow with tears. He sobs, breaking down between desperate hands and clutching Fjord's shirt right back. He never wants to let go again. ]
I don't know! There was... there was nothing left! I didn't think... I didn't think this would happen. That I would just be empty again.
[ Molly had fooled himself into thinking he was safe from this possibility. It was terrifying and he feels like his chest is about to crack from the agony of it all. ]
[ It feels like he might fall over and Molly too, so he instinctively pulls him back in and cups the back of his head, a strong arm going around Molly's back. He won't let him fall away, not in any respect. ]
I've got you, I've got you. I'm sorry.
[ He kisses his forehead, over and over on the same spot, over his hair and his horns. Fjord's weight drops back against the counter as he hugs Molly, daring the island to try and take him away again even as he fails to stifle his tears and the shakiness rattling his heaving ribs fractures his words. ]
I know, shhh. I know, it's okay. It's over now, you're alright.
[ Nuzzling soft curls, he runs a hand up and down Molly's back from tail to nape and back again, slow and soothing to help calm himself in the mix too. ]
The Augur must have done it to you, there's no — no other explanation. You weren't even Lucien, you were — were ... but it's over, and you're okay, and that's all that matters to me.
It was like I had just dug my way out of my grave again. Only it wasn't wet and cold and dirt in my mouth. I never thought... I expected to lose himself to Lucien. Not that.
[ He looks up at Fjord again, reaching to touch a bearded cheek softly. He smiles even though his eyes are still wet and he stands on his tippytoes to gently press their foreheads together. ]
Do you know, love? You said you think I love you to empty me.
[ Molly shouldn't be comforting Fjord, it seems so messed up. With tear-tracks down his face that melt damply into his beard under Molly's touch, he nods after a pause. ]
No, I — I know. I know you love me.
[ Greying bangs shake with his head, dismissing the topic shifting to himself. It never occurred to him Molly would remember what he said three days ago, if he ever returned. ]
You just went through your own personal nightmare again, this isn't about me.
Good... I... I never want you to doubt that. Ever.
[ He sighs and leans close to Fjord, wanting to soak in his presence as much as possible. It doesn't matter that his boyfriend was there for him the entire way, he missed him so much. It was his absolute nightmare, but he cannot shake the slow breakdown of Fjord every morning he woke up empty. ]
...and it's about us. You were hurting just as much.
[ He takes a deep breath, hands tightening a bit. ]
If the Augur did this, what was the point? Maybe... maybe I'm just finally falling apart.
You're not, you wouldn't. They're shitheads, Molly, do you remember when they made me forget everything months ago? Then how I walked into the ocean? The Augur will pay for fucking with us when we burn them down and go home. We will go home, Molly.
[ Fingers tangling in purple curls, he gives the back of Molly's neck a reassuring squeeze. ]
[ It breaks him down all over again and he hides his sobs against that wonderful, familiar chest again. He loves this man so fucking much. ]
I never want this to happen again. I want to be me. There's so much I haven't done. I like this me I've made. It's a good person, a fine person, a happy person.
You are, Molly. Nobody has the right to abuse you like that. What they put you through was torture, sweetheart, it's normal to be angry.
[ All he can do is hold on, cheek in Molly's bed-rumpled hair. Fjord gave up trying to brush it the first day, it felt like invading a stranger's personal space; now, he noses into the comforting smell of just Molly, inhaling deeply with a shaky sigh. ]
Think about our ship on the blue sea, the sunshine on our deck. That's where we're going to end up, I promise. That's what is waiting for you. For us.
[ It was torture, Fjord says, and Molly fully agrees. Playing with his worst fear like this? Hurt everybody around him? The fact that he fucking remembers everything, remembers being that empty again? He hates it.
It's kinder to think of the future he's dreaming of, of sun and water and exploring new places. Tanning in the sunlight until they're both several shades darker.
(What if he forgot that, too? His future, his promises?) ]
I think I would like to go to the ship... and maybe I could eat something.
[ He sighs and rubs the back of his neck, fingers tangling in his long hair. He should brush that, have a shower... get other clothes on. ]
I just want to get away from everything.
[ Everything obviously didn't mean Fjord, as he's still leaning to the half-orc, tail wrapped around a leg tightly to make sure he's real and there with Molly. ]
[ A plan of action has been formed! All the more efficiently with Molly looking so tired. ]
I'm going to make us a picnic basket to last a few days, you're going to head upstairs to freshen up and pack whatever you want to bring to the ship. Sound good?
It's a good thing that Fjord can form plans, because Molly can barely string two things together right now. He gives his boyfriend a shaky smile as he tells him what they will do, and nods. He could do that. He could go upstairs and clean up, brush those matted curls and grab some stuff.
He had already moved a lot of things to the ship after their talk about it during the amusement park date, and the tiefling only has to pack some clothes.
...if he could move out of Fjord's space. It feels like he's going to die if he does. ]
[ Sliding a hand up to cup an uninked cheek as he senses that unease, he leans down for a soft kiss. Foreheads together, Fjord smiles for Molly's benefit and lets it crinkle his eyes, warm with relief. ]
I love you. I'll be right here in the kitchen the whole time, I won't leave this room.
[ He feels like an idiot, but that promise makes it easier. He leans in for a kiss and then finally pulls away, taking a deep breath. The smile Molly gives doesn't quite reach his eyes yet, but at least it is a very Molly-smile. ]
[ Fjord makes a show of rooting around in the cupboards for food to steal, finding one of the sacks Caduceus uses for his vegetables. Domestic, trustworthy, just a man finding provisions for their getaway. ]
[ It takes him a while, between filling a bag with some things, having a quick (for him) shower and then primping at least a little bit to make himself feel as much himself as possible. Molly brushes his hair, wondering for the hundredth time if he should cut it... but he leaves the long violet curls as they are, bouncing just at his shoulders.
He spends a longer time than he wants to admit staring at himself in the mirror.
When he finally breaks away, Molly shrugs his coat on and grabs his bag, heading downstairs towards the kitchen again. ]
[ Fjord may have fibbed a bit; he wears fresh clothes, boots and his greatcoat, all acquired elsewhere while Molly was showering, but he is waiting in the kitchen when his boyfriend returns and has two sacks full of provisions. Since the Bagman night he hasn't been keen on personally using the Bag of Holding. ]
Here, Molls.
[ A spike of joy lodges in his chest to see him looking more like himself, even if the scaffolding of appearances is barely holding up in reality for both of them. A kiss is dropped on Molly's lips. ]
All set to go, the others might have to order from the diner for a couple of days but I don't really give a shit. Are you okay to fly to the ship or would you like to walk?
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devilstongue) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
lusi2020-11-13 08:36 pm
a grapejuice refill, pls :')
Fjord finds himself hoping that maybe Lucien, who said Molly was a speck of himself, pulls through. It would be preferable to not having any part of Molly ...
Sitting down heavily at the kitchen table in the dim light, Fjord abandons his coffee to put his head in his hands and use the silent space to cry hot, angry tears, biting back any noise as his shoulders shake. His eyes burn, sobs catching behind his lips, and he takes as many deep breaths as he can to try and settle his shaky exhales. The notion of having lost Molly while he was right under Fjord's nose is somehow worse than losing him back home.
It's so much more Fjord's fault.
Not wanting to draw attention from Caduceus outside, he forces himself up and rubs his damp eyes on the arms of his hoodie, milling back around to the coffee pot to get a fresh cup with his first gone cold. Going through the motions is all he can do to stay mentally stable, wanting to scream but never able.
He has to be strong for Molly too, now. So he will. ]
pours out the sap 4 u
It had been a messy three days without recognizing himself, Fjord or anyone else, stuck in a void of bewilderment and overstimulation. The lack of words, the lack of everything had made him both frustrated and tired, spending a lot of time taking long naps and wandering out into the garden to sit with the flowers and just dissociate for hours.
He has naturally responded best to Fjord thanks to being the first person he saw, but the wholehearted affection and devotion is missing. The smiles and jokes are gone, but the half-orc is the one he seeks out when things are just too much. He's not afraid of the man who loved the person he cannot remember any more.
This morning, however, Molly wakes up. There's a gasp after he opens his eyes, and he holds on to the bed as the ground feels like it's swaying under him for a moment. He remembers. He remembers everything.
Shit.
Dressed in a tunic and leggings thanks to Fjord, his bare footsteps are heard coming down the stairs loudly as he looks for his boyfriend. It's morning, so the kitchen is a good bet - and when he sees the red-rimmed eyes of his lover, his heart breaks. ]
Fjord...?
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Hey, sweetheart —
[ His ready cheer freezes when it connects that Molly isn't saying Empty and a jolt spasms in his chest, unseen and unnoticeable except for the way he stills completely. Hushed, he hesitantly asks, ]
Did you just say my name?
[ Suddenly, his heart is the opposite of motionless and jackhammering in the cage of his ribs, stealing his breath. ]
no subject
I'm sorry, love... I don't know what happened!
[ It was his worst nightmare actually happening and he's an absolute mess about that, but he also saw the worry in Fjord's eyes turn to grief. Hopelessness as deep as the emptiness inside Molly.
His tail wraps around a leg and he tries to not tremble in those warm arms. ]
I know you, I know who I am. I know I love you.
no subject
I know I love you. ]
Where did you go?
[ Drawing back to take Molly's face between his hands, he stares at him to search those red eyes and drink down the recognition, cupping around his neck. His voice cracks on unfair demands, too relieved to think his desperate pleas through but holding on for dear life. His own eyes burn, damp and spiked with the rise of new tears. ]
Where did you go?
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That fully shatters him and his red eyes overflow with tears. He sobs, breaking down between desperate hands and clutching Fjord's shirt right back. He never wants to let go again. ]
I don't know! There was... there was nothing left! I didn't think... I didn't think this would happen. That I would just be empty again.
[ Molly had fooled himself into thinking he was safe from this possibility. It was terrifying and he feels like his chest is about to crack from the agony of it all. ]
no subject
I've got you, I've got you. I'm sorry.
[ He kisses his forehead, over and over on the same spot, over his hair and his horns. Fjord's weight drops back against the counter as he hugs Molly, daring the island to try and take him away again even as he fails to stifle his tears and the shakiness rattling his heaving ribs fractures his words. ]
I've got you, baby.
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I'm so sorry, Fjord. [ He says softly. ] I love you, I will always love you. Even an empty me wanted to be around you.
[ It's the only comfort he can give and that's awful. ]
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[ Nuzzling soft curls, he runs a hand up and down Molly's back from tail to nape and back again, slow and soothing to help calm himself in the mix too. ]
The Augur must have done it to you, there's no — no other explanation. You weren't even Lucien, you were — were ... but it's over, and you're okay, and that's all that matters to me.
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[ He looks up at Fjord again, reaching to touch a bearded cheek softly. He smiles even though his eyes are still wet and he stands on his tippytoes to gently press their foreheads together. ]
Do you know, love? You said you think I love you to empty me.
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No, I — I know. I know you love me.
[ Greying bangs shake with his head, dismissing the topic shifting to himself. It never occurred to him Molly would remember what he said three days ago, if he ever returned. ]
You just went through your own personal nightmare again, this isn't about me.
no subject
[ He sighs and leans close to Fjord, wanting to soak in his presence as much as possible. It doesn't matter that his boyfriend was there for him the entire way, he missed him so much. It was his absolute nightmare, but he cannot shake the slow breakdown of Fjord every morning he woke up empty. ]
...and it's about us. You were hurting just as much.
[ He takes a deep breath, hands tightening a bit. ]
If the Augur did this, what was the point? Maybe... maybe I'm just finally falling apart.
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[ Fingers tangling in purple curls, he gives the back of Molly's neck a reassuring squeeze. ]
Don't doubt yourself all because of a monster.
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I never want this to happen again. I want to be me. There's so much I haven't done. I like this me I've made. It's a good person, a fine person, a happy person.
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[ All he can do is hold on, cheek in Molly's bed-rumpled hair. Fjord gave up trying to brush it the first day, it felt like invading a stranger's personal space; now, he noses into the comforting smell of just Molly, inhaling deeply with a shaky sigh. ]
Think about our ship on the blue sea, the sunshine on our deck. That's where we're going to end up, I promise. That's what is waiting for you. For us.
no subject
It's kinder to think of the future he's dreaming of, of sun and water and exploring new places. Tanning in the sunlight until they're both several shades darker.
(What if he forgot that, too? His future, his promises?) ]
I feel like a mess.
[ Physically and emotionally. ]
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What do you need?
[ Fjord waits to hear, poised for action. He stares at Molly expectantly, ready to help in any way he can. ]
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[ He sighs and rubs the back of his neck, fingers tangling in his long hair. He should brush that, have a shower... get other clothes on. ]
I just want to get away from everything.
[ Everything obviously didn't mean Fjord, as he's still leaning to the half-orc, tail wrapped around a leg tightly to make sure he's real and there with Molly. ]
no subject
[ A plan of action has been formed! All the more efficiently with Molly looking so tired. ]
I'm going to make us a picnic basket to last a few days, you're going to head upstairs to freshen up and pack whatever you want to bring to the ship. Sound good?
no subject
It's a good thing that Fjord can form plans, because Molly can barely string two things together right now. He gives his boyfriend a shaky smile as he tells him what they will do, and nods. He could do that. He could go upstairs and clean up, brush those matted curls and grab some stuff.
He had already moved a lot of things to the ship after their talk about it during the amusement park date, and the tiefling only has to pack some clothes.
...if he could move out of Fjord's space. It feels like he's going to die if he does. ]
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[ Sliding a hand up to cup an uninked cheek as he senses that unease, he leans down for a soft kiss. Foreheads together, Fjord smiles for Molly's benefit and lets it crinkle his eyes, warm with relief. ]
I love you. I'll be right here in the kitchen the whole time, I won't leave this room.
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Alright. I'll be back in a moment.
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[ Fjord makes a show of rooting around in the cupboards for food to steal, finding one of the sacks Caduceus uses for his vegetables. Domestic, trustworthy, just a man finding provisions for their getaway. ]
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He spends a longer time than he wants to admit staring at himself in the mirror.
When he finally breaks away, Molly shrugs his coat on and grabs his bag, heading downstairs towards the kitchen again. ]
Love?
no subject
Here, Molls.
[ A spike of joy lodges in his chest to see him looking more like himself, even if the scaffolding of appearances is barely holding up in reality for both of them. A kiss is dropped on Molly's lips. ]
All set to go, the others might have to order from the diner for a couple of days but I don't really give a shit. Are you okay to fly to the ship or would you like to walk?
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