[ Molly says with a slight huff, but he smiles a little as well. It felt weird, to bee so obsessed about something that he let it hurt him this badly.
At the same time, it made him so happy. (Before this.)
Right now it just felt really fragile - combine that with his hangover and Molly was really ready to just go full drama in the kitchen at any more bullshit. ]
[ It feels like he broke Molly, which he did as Molly himself has said. It's something different to see him like this, subdued and tired, twisting up Fjord's guts when he thinks about the fact Molly was ready to almost flay off his own skin all because Fjord didn't sort out his reaction in private, like an adult. No, he had to put his foot down and damned the consequences. I don't want to love a part of you because it reminds me of someone else, that had been the painful kernel around which his whole discomfort circled. I don't want to share what we have with anyone else.
What is most important is that Molly is safe, at the end of things. Whatever he has scrawled on his skin is of no real importance to Fjord (not unless those eyes start glowing). It's done now, all of it. Nothing can change back even if a selfish part of himself wants it to so the problem is erased and his life is made easier, so it's up to him to shut up complaining and do damage control. ]
You really scared me when you said you wanted to hurt yourself because of me, I would never want you to do that. Promise me you won't.
[ Furtive glances search Molly for a hint of how he will react if Fjord continues, wary of what he wants to say and what's wiser not to. His wisdom has never been the best. ]
You can share yourself with lots of people, you're good at it, [ with a nod to the newly tattooed arm, ] but I'm not like that, Molly. I understand why we're not exclusively together and I wouldn't expect that of you whether we were on the island or not, I just ... never expected to have to share you with people when we were alone, too.
[ He frowns a bit at that, but it's not anger, just confusion. Pulling up his sleeve to look at his arm, he shakes his head. ]
You're not sharing me when we're alone. These are just memories, Fjord. My own reminders... and they're all connected on a background that represents you. Because we were... are together. I don't go on dates with other people, I come home to you every night that I can. We're both sleeping with other people but I am yours.
[ He trails his fingers down the water, bright blue on his lavender skin. ]
I know it bothers you, though. What can I do to help?
[ His voice heats up a little at first in exasperation over not being understood, held in check as he keeps his tone level and rubs a thumb over the back of Molly's hand. ]
I never — agreed — to bring anyone else into our bed, but now I have to have no problem with it because you made that decision for me, and I'm the bad guy if I don't like it. You decided, with your body. I'm completely outside the realm of having a say about what you do with it, but I do have a right to react and, Molly, I am sorry, but there's nothing to be done.
I feel like you put me on your skin but you don't want to deal with me.
[ He wants to be with Molly, he loves him. Love doesn't stop Fjord feeling like he's been somehow deeply misunderstood, though.
He was only with us for three months, he couldn't know me. ]
I didn't bring anyo- it's just art, Fjord! You're making it sound like I put someone else literally in bed with us.
[ He sighs and rubs his face a bit. ]
You're allowed to feel any way you want about it, shit, I never meant to invalidate your feelings or anything. It just hurt that you asked me to change it instead of starting with telling me what the issue was.
You never told me you liked her yet you came off like I did it to hurt you.
I was too busy falling in love with you to remember how I felt about Jester, you were here. You were alive, Molly! [ It shook him at the time, which Molly knows. ] I didn't want to lose you, and then I wanted you and I really fucking didn't want to lose you.
It's not just art to me, that's what you can't understand ... and why I'm not getting through to you.
[ Rising with his coffee, he walks to the other side of the kitchen with the breakfast island between them, setting his mug down to fold his arms in an unconsciously protective gesture. ]
[ Molly listens and rubs the back of his neck a bit, trying to see things the half-orc's way. But then Fjord just gets up and moves away again, and it makes his hackles rise. ]
Why... why do you always leave when we try to discuss things! I'm trying to understand you here, Fjord? I'm trying to fix things.
[ He grumbles and just... climbs up on the counter. ]
I'm asking what we need to do. Just... fine, fuck it, it doesn't matter why or how it bothers you, it does. What's the solution? Because I'm sure as fuck not letting more shit come between us than a kitchen island.
I don't know what's wrong with me, okay? I don't know!
[ Frustration has his hands open at his sides, heat translating into damp at the corners of his eyes. The growl on his voice cracks and dies, back to human, and he waves a hand widely. ]
I shared a dream or something with Vax, we were married in it, and I — I was so angry at the thought of anyone else putting their mark on him. I was furious!
[ He nods at that and slides closer, moving the coffee cup so he can sit right in front of Fjord. This is a lot more than just what's on the surface. ]
Alright. You have a shitton of stuff built up inside you, love. It's okay.
[ He reaches out a hand to put it on the half-orc's cheek. ]
You wanna yell? Sure. Cry? It's just me here. We'll figure this shit out, okay? I shared that dream thing with Caleb so I know which one you're talking about.
[ After Molly touches his hot cheek he runs his hands over his face and keeps the heels of his palms over his eyes as he takes a few steadying breaths. Phew. ]
When I thought he was mine, I changed. I was ... different.
[ How the fuck does he even begin to explain? It's humiliating, like admitting he's an animal. ]
[ He keeps his hand there, thumbing that beard a bit - gentle as he listens. Fjord changed when he thought Vax was his? Was that part of the dream as well? He didn't really remember that. ]
Hey. I know we fought and stuff, but you can trust me. What's going on?
[ He doubts that's it. Obviously something else was messing with him, though, and the tiefling cocks his head a bit to the side when he hears that last part. ]
I wasn't thinking about anything other than the fact he was mine, he was my husband, my — just mine.
[ He knows Yasha called her wife her mate but, being raised by humans, Fjord hesitates to use that word. He's halforc, not ... whatever that would imply, and he has to be careful about that shit because of what he is. ]
The only marks he wore were the ones I gave him and it felt good because he wanted them, not only that but because he wanted them solely from me.
[ Part of it is making him angry, the other part of him is already bleeding for Fjord's utter confusion and frustration over himself. ]
That's a mess. I don't belong to many people. I love them and I need them, but not like you. Just you. You know that, but something in your head messes it up, yeah?
[ He leans in, leaning their foreheads together. ]
Would it feel better to put your own mark on me? A real one, I mean.
[ He draws back his lips a little to show fangs. It might not be something he should be enabling, but anything to soothe that confused head. (And a little, tiny part of him thinks it's hot.) ]
[ Stressing out, he covers his face and slumps against the kitchen counter. He doesn't want to fight and he can't figure out why he's being such a stickler, so he gives up. His shoulders are a tense line and it feels like he's being an aggravating force in their relationship by telling the truth again, halfway to doing what Molly hates and wanting to walk out. ]
Can you just ... hold me?
[ He doesn't deserve it, he knows. But. It would help. ]
[ Arms wrapping around Molly as he hides against him, he lets out a shuddering sigh that serves to stifle his panic. After thirty seconds or so of just breathing, he admits, ]
It was because I'm half-orc, what happened. I know that much, and ... I think this place is playing on it.
[ Molly rubs his back a little, cuddling close to do his best to soothe. ]
This place is fucking up a lot of things. Messing with us. That's not your fault.
[ He pauses, pressing another small kiss against the top of his lover's head. ]
Neither is the fact that you have half-orc instincts or reactions. Even when this place is playing that up, it's still normal.
[ The tiefling knows that's probably not what Fjord wants to hear, as he's so messed up about this. He was probably told a lot to act human by the place he was from, and that was only half of him. ]
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devilstongue) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
lusi2020-11-13 08:36 pm
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[ Molly says with a slight huff, but he smiles a little as well. It felt weird, to bee so obsessed about something that he let it hurt him this badly.
At the same time, it made him so happy. (Before this.)
Right now it just felt really fragile - combine that with his hangover and Molly was really ready to just go full drama in the kitchen at any more bullshit. ]
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Do you regret it?
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No. Not even when it hurt the most.
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What is most important is that Molly is safe, at the end of things. Whatever he has scrawled on his skin is of no real importance to Fjord (not unless those eyes start glowing). It's done now, all of it. Nothing can change back even if a selfish part of himself wants it to so the problem is erased and his life is made easier, so it's up to him to shut up complaining and do damage control. ]
You really scared me when you said you wanted to hurt yourself because of me, I would never want you to do that. Promise me you won't.
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Molly feels bad that he scared Fjord, because in hindsight he knows it was stupidly dramatic and childish. ]
I promise I won't. It was... dumb. I mean, I wasn't going to do it if the big man didn't have healing spells, I wasn't looking for the pain.
[ He's ashamed he even entertained the thought after being so loud about Fjord not having the right to say what on him. Stupid. ]
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[ Furtive glances search Molly for a hint of how he will react if Fjord continues, wary of what he wants to say and what's wiser not to. His wisdom has never been the best. ]
You can share yourself with lots of people, you're good at it, [ with a nod to the newly tattooed arm, ] but I'm not like that, Molly. I understand why we're not exclusively together and I wouldn't expect that of you whether we were on the island or not, I just ... never expected to have to share you with people when we were alone, too.
I struggle with it.
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You're not sharing me when we're alone. These are just memories, Fjord. My own reminders... and they're all connected on a background that represents you. Because we were... are together. I don't go on dates with other people, I come home to you every night that I can. We're both sleeping with other people but I am yours.
[ He trails his fingers down the water, bright blue on his lavender skin. ]
I know it bothers you, though. What can I do to help?
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I never — agreed — to bring anyone else into our bed, but now I have to have no problem with it because you made that decision for me, and I'm the bad guy if I don't like it. You decided, with your body. I'm completely outside the realm of having a say about what you do with it, but I do have a right to react and, Molly, I am sorry, but there's nothing to be done.
I feel like you put me on your skin but you don't want to deal with me.
[ He wants to be with Molly, he loves him. Love doesn't stop Fjord feeling like he's been somehow deeply misunderstood, though.
He was only with us for three months, he couldn't know me. ]
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[ He sighs and rubs his face a bit. ]
You're allowed to feel any way you want about it, shit, I never meant to invalidate your feelings or anything. It just hurt that you asked me to change it instead of starting with telling me what the issue was.
You never told me you liked her yet you came off like I did it to hurt you.
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It's not just art to me, that's what you can't understand ... and why I'm not getting through to you.
[ Rising with his coffee, he walks to the other side of the kitchen with the breakfast island between them, setting his mug down to fold his arms in an unconsciously protective gesture. ]
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Why... why do you always leave when we try to discuss things! I'm trying to understand you here, Fjord? I'm trying to fix things.
[ He grumbles and just... climbs up on the counter. ]
I'm asking what we need to do. Just... fine, fuck it, it doesn't matter why or how it bothers you, it does. What's the solution? Because I'm sure as fuck not letting more shit come between us than a kitchen island.
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[ Frustration has his hands open at his sides, heat translating into damp at the corners of his eyes. The growl on his voice cracks and dies, back to human, and he waves a hand widely. ]
I shared a dream or something with Vax, we were married in it, and I — I was so angry at the thought of anyone else putting their mark on him. I was furious!
And I don't know why.
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Alright. You have a shitton of stuff built up inside you, love. It's okay.
[ He reaches out a hand to put it on the half-orc's cheek. ]
You wanna yell? Sure. Cry? It's just me here. We'll figure this shit out, okay? I shared that dream thing with Caleb so I know which one you're talking about.
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[ After Molly touches his hot cheek he runs his hands over his face and keeps the heels of his palms over his eyes as he takes a few steadying breaths. Phew. ]
When I thought he was mine, I changed. I was ... different.
[ How the fuck does he even begin to explain? It's humiliating, like admitting he's an animal. ]
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Hey. I know we fought and stuff, but you can trust me. What's going on?
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[ He turns to face Molly, tilting his cheek into the gentle touch. ]
My body changed the way I — I took him.
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[ He doubts that's it. Obviously something else was messing with him, though, and the tiefling cocks his head a bit to the side when he hears that last part. ]
The way you guys had sex? It changed your body?
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[ He knows Yasha called her wife her mate but, being raised by humans, Fjord hesitates to use that word. He's halforc, not ... whatever that would imply, and he has to be careful about that shit because of what he is. ]
The only marks he wore were the ones I gave him and it felt good because he wanted them, not only that but because he wanted them solely from me.
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I think I get it. You got all possessive about him?
[ It's not like Bo ever told him the secrets of the half-orcs or anything, but it makes sense that they had some of that in them. ]
I mean, it was very... very real. The dream made me in love with Caleb just as much as with you, so I can see it being all intense.
[ He's not sure where this is going, though, or if it had anything to do with their previous connection. Maybe Fjord was just letting everything out.
That would honestly be good for both of them. ]
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It wasn't like what we have. It was ... raw. I don't know how to describe it.
[ He doesn't really want to, sounding as if it was somehow better or more unique when it was actually a bit scary how wild he felt, in retrospect. ]
All I do know is that when I see everyone on your skin it feels like you belong to too many people, and not to me.
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Okay. I get what you mean.
[ Part of it is making him angry, the other part of him is already bleeding for Fjord's utter confusion and frustration over himself. ]
That's a mess. I don't belong to many people. I love them and I need them, but not like you. Just you. You know that, but something in your head messes it up, yeah?
[ He leans in, leaning their foreheads together. ]
Would it feel better to put your own mark on me? A real one, I mean.
[ He draws back his lips a little to show fangs. It might not be something he should be enabling, but anything to soothe that confused head. (And a little, tiny part of him thinks it's hot.) ]
I'm yours, love.
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[ Stressing out, he covers his face and slumps against the kitchen counter. He doesn't want to fight and he can't figure out why he's being such a stickler, so he gives up. His shoulders are a tense line and it feels like he's being an aggravating force in their relationship by telling the truth again, halfway to doing what Molly hates and wanting to walk out. ]
Can you just ... hold me?
[ He doesn't deserve it, he knows. But. It would help. ]
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[ He leans down to press a kiss to Fjord's head. ]
...and always.
[ Smiling softly, he squishes himself down into his love's lap and holds him close. ]
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It was because I'm half-orc, what happened. I know that much, and ... I think this place is playing on it.
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[ Molly rubs his back a little, cuddling close to do his best to soothe. ]
This place is fucking up a lot of things. Messing with us. That's not your fault.
[ He pauses, pressing another small kiss against the top of his lover's head. ]
Neither is the fact that you have half-orc instincts or reactions. Even when this place is playing that up, it's still normal.
[ The tiefling knows that's probably not what Fjord wants to hear, as he's so messed up about this. He was probably told a lot to act human by the place he was from, and that was only half of him. ]
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